Perhaps I’m a Phoenix. I have this tendency that when I realize there’s a relationship in my life that’s not only detrimental, but intentionally or apathetically so, I will walk away without a backward glance. But if I have a relationship with someone I really care about who is hurting me and it is unclear whether it is intentional or not, after a certain point, I will lash out like an abused creature. I will mercilessly stand at the bridge of our friendship and push them away, taunting them to leave or burn it. If they hesitate to stay, even for a moment, I’ll douse the bridge in gasoline and toss the match myself.
Is this wrong?
I don’t need people in my life who aren’t capable of loving me unconditionally, flaws and all. If they can’t handle every aspect of me, or at least weather my storms with me, the relationship can be no more than superficial. I am fire, I am rage, I am passion. I burn bright, but will never extinguish quickly. I am the Phoenix who bursts into flames at their death, only to be reborn from the ashes. And is it not true that “[s]ometimes you need to scorch everything to the ground and start over[?] After the burning the soil is richer, and new things can grow” (Mia, “Little Fires Everywhere”).
When something is dead or should be dead, put it on the funeral pyre ship and watch it sail away. Cherish it for what it was and remember the impact it had on you, then nod your head in respect. Forgive but never forget the lessons learned. The soul scars are the hardest to overcome, but the most influential for growth, making you so much stronger than you ever knew you were capable of being.
Finally, use the force of the explosion to propel yourself forward into your new state of being. You will never be too old to be rebirthed and start anew.
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