Audacious & Salacious in Stilettos

Tonight, a man I met recently smacked my ass as I was walking to the pool table.

The force pushed me forward, and I nearly lost my balance — I was wearing high platform wedge heels (pretty much a sexy pair of stilts) — and my right shoe turned outward and down, almost twisting my ankle completely.

I would’ve eaten shit hard if not for my quick reflexes. I’m a total klutz, but also part ninja — as all vertically challenged people have to be in order to survive.

To add insult to almost-injury, my foot pushed forward so hard that three of my toes broke out and nearly tore through the straps of my shoe.

I was affronted. And seething.

The Confrontation

Me: “Are you fucking with me? Did you really just do that?”

Mr. Clean Douche: (Feigning nonchalance) “Calm down. It’s not a big deal. You’re overreacting. It’s nothing.”
(He had yet to apologize — and was fully aware his friends were watching.)

Me: “Why the fuck do you think it’s okay to smack my ass? Do I look like I’m on your goddamn baseball team? How dare you touch me.”

Mr. Clean Douche: More minimizing bullshit, dripping in condescension.

Jeremiah: “Yo, you need to apologize to her. You don’t touch a woman like that.”

Mr. Clean Douche: “I already said I was sorry!” (He hadn’t.)
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Jesus.”

Just like a petulant child.

And yet, note this — I was only taken seriously and my reaction validated when another man spoke up.

Me: “No. Take accountability for what you did. You need to understand that was absolutely not okay, and you should never do that to a woman again.”

(Mind you, this man is at least in his fifties — so why the hell am I having to explain this?)

Mr. Clean Douche: Rolls his eyes and shakes his head patronizingly.

Me: “It’s fucking sexual harassment, dude. Literally.”

Mr. Clean Douche: “No, it’s not!” (angrily)

Me: “By definition.”
(Turning to Jeremiah) “After this drink, I’m out of here. I’m not tolerating this shit.”

Mr. Clean Douche storms off to his group, muttering, trying to spin the story for damage control. His friends listen but don’t engage. When his tantrum fails to earn sympathy, he loudly declares he’s leaving.

No one stops him.

The Lesson

I watched him sulk off — the misogynistic prick’s gaslighting attempts falling flat.

Men, let me make this very clear: do not ever touch a woman without her explicit invitation.

Women, if a man does touch you inappropriately, you have two excellent options:

1. Grab his balls in a vice grip tight enough to make him hit pitches he couldn’t reach in a boy’s choir,
2. Or educate him on the precise anatomy of regret.

For Educational Purposes Only

Human Anatomy of the Kidneys (with surrounding muscles and bones):

In the posterior, the latissimus dorsi and erector spinae muscles cover the 11th and 12th ribs of the thoracic cage, protecting the abdominal kidneys that flank the spine.

A blade of at least three inches, thrust upward beneath either 12th rib near the spine, carries a high probability of piercing a kidney or even a renal artery.

The right kidney is the more vulnerable target, as it sits lower than the left due to the right lobe of the liver being considerably larger — displacing the kidney downward.

Considering the kidneys receive roughly 22% of the body’s cardiac output, a deep laceration results in rapid, profuse bleeding.

Thanks, Outlander.