Am I proud of myself? Did I do the right thing?
Despite my penchant for the dramatic as far as my feelings go, I never want to burden someone else with undue stress or anything of the like. Whatever I’m going through, it’s no one’s problem but my own. There is just something about Anatole that hooked me since the second day I met him. I went from being intrigued to infatuation. For some reason, I want to impress him. I want to touch. Kiss. Tempt. Play. Last night was the test: could we be carefree and play together?
Unfortunately, I have to come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t want that, at least not with me. I spoke with Nascar—one of my best friends and mentors—yesterday, asking him about his opinion on Anatole. My question: Do you think he’s just that busy or he’s just not that into me? I hate that I’m apparently insecure enough to even ask, but I need to know. I’m one of the most understanding and empathetic people you will ever meet, so I never question the reasoning as to why it’s so difficult to entice him to spend time with me, and by spend time I mean fuck me with a little conversation thrown in the mix; trying to is what I imagine getting an audience with the Queen must be like. Granted, the poor man is going through the ringer right now though. But Nascar made a few excellent points:
- If you truly want something, you make time for it.
- In Anatole’s situation, he needs to figure his own shit out before he’d ever be remotely available.
- I need a reality check and to know my place.
I saw so much potential in him for something real. Perhaps it is a case of wrong place, wrong time; though I doubt it. It’s quite clear that my type is unavailable because I like a successful man who has his own thing and isn’t up my ass all the time. There are a lot of aspects between us that could’ve made us a good fit as friends or lovers or whatever label I don’t care to have. I genuinely believe I could’ve been something very positive for him, whether long term or just a beautiful flame in the interim, burning bright but destined to extinguish. I wanted to be someone he could laugh and play with. Someone who never would’ve demanded anything of him other that respect and honesty. Someone who would never judge him, but in fact encourage him to explore himself, his fantasies and desires.
I don’t know why, but I just wanted to get to know him so fiercely. However, I hate the way I feel. I’ve fought so hard to avoid this situation: liking someone I can’t have. I hate that I perk up like a dog when I see he’s texted me. I hate that I would drop whatever I’m doing if he asked me to do something. I’m not this girl and have no desire to be. It’s not his fault that I want him. It’s not his fault that I find him so incredibly sexy and charming. Don’t mistaken me: I am not wearing rose-hued glasses here. I see all the facets of his personality thus far and not only does none of it bother me, but I respect him and, quite simply, really like him. I just can’t help it, though I wish I could.
So, last night, after some liquid courage that actually pushed me over the edge, I must’ve told him that I didn’t want this, at least not the way it is. I remember the tail end of saying something on those lines and then must’ve passed out hard. Perhaps I just needed to gain control of the situation, per my control freak nature. Perhaps I can’t handle more complications right now when I have so much else I’m struggling with. Hell, with life as it currently is, I finally broke out of the raging surf and swam beyond the break to transient safety, but only to tread water, exhausted and praying for the opportunity to escape back to the beach.
Ultimately, my feelings aren’t wrong, they are just inappropriate in this situation. Furthermore, I don’t want to be just a fucktoy. I’m far too high value for that, though a friends with benefits situation would’ve suited me fine. But to have that, one must actually be friends with the counterpart. Most significantly though, I want him to truly see me as I am and respect me for it. It’s difficult to turn away from someone you find so incredible, but while I am extremely low maintenance, I am also not a cactus. So, I bow my head in resignation with a regretful smile on my lips and very fond memories dancing in my head.
And, in all honesty and as arrogant as this might sound, I’m too hot not to be getting fucked on a regular basis.
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