The Seduction of the Unattainable
Why do we always want what we can’t have? Of course, there’s the expected allures and logical reasonings: the challenge, the validation, the taboo of it. I found myself recently falling in love with a man I am told that I can’t be with. And it made me wonder what it is about him that engendered these intense feelings. Why do I want him so much? Is it that this is the first connection I’ve ever had where I finally feel like someone truly understands me? Is it because I don’t need to explain why I feel the way I do or figure out how to coherently describe all of the thought processes that feed into the choices I make? Is it because he validates my feelings and gives me a realistic perspective that I am not alone in my struggles?
The Brat with Daddy Issues (And Proud)
I would’ve vehemently sworn against it before, but I now accept and admit that I’m a basic brat with Daddy issues and I couldn’t care less who knows it. I fantasize about unconditional love, acceptance, and support. And if that is what being a Disney Princess brainwashed female with projected daddy issues from a hardworking father entitles me to be, I’m damn proud. I will not apologize for praying that I might one day find the man (or woman, mind you) who inspires me to strive to be better than I am and encourages me to pursue my dreams. The greatest perfection would be to find someone I feel I can forever grow with and learn from.
The Sex Appeal of Competence
Honestly, I think back to one of my favorite “dates” where I spent a few hours on a Saturday helping to configure a new light switch in a basement and learning how electrical wiring works. Probably not so far fetched that while recently creating a Hinge and Bumble profile–don’t judge me, I’m quarantined “vacationing” with my parents–that I asked most suitors if they knew how to change a tire. My thought process: I don’t know how to. I want to learn. This is a criteria in the next man I want to entertain. If you don’t have comparable skills, you need not apply.
There’s something so incredibly sexy about a man who can figure something out for himself and only call an expert if it’s beyond his capabilities. One of the first things that elevated my attraction to him was that he’s a man’s man, a real man. It was slow at first, but as I grew to trust him, the more I lowered my guard. His silly nature made me want to play again. After being in pursuit of growing up from such an early age, I missed out on simple play for play’s sake and can’t explain the sheer joy it gives me now as an adult. I cherish these moments where I can simply exist instead of constantly analyzing everything.
For most of my life, my anxiety has tethered me mentally and emotionally, leaving me hyper-vigilant for the next bite of whatever Murphy’s Law deigned to deliver by Fate’s cat o’ nine tails. Then the more I obsessed over the next strike, the greater my fear became. And with every flinch in anticipation, the psychological wounds reopened and were salted with the sweat of my fear, bringing a new context for insult to injury.
The Safety I Never Knew I Needed
On that note, this mystery man, we’ll call him Donald Draper, did something for me that no one else was able to do before: he called me out for being the person wielding the whip and then engendered feelings of safety security which were crucial to my healing process. By giving my anxiety so much power, I have been torturing myself for years. Every time I started to feel myself plunging down the rabbit hole, he would remind me that it was just the chemicals in my brain or, if it was warranted, I shouldn’t feel guilty for how I feel. That despite whether I’m manic or depressed or whatever someone wants to tell me I am, that I am more than capable of riding out this wave.
While being the utmost of understanding, he not only called me out, but refused to participate in pity parties and held me accountable for my actions. This is one of the greatest reasons as too why I do have inextricable trust in him. I need to know someone will tell me when, where, and why I was wrong and then walk with me through my thought process so I understand.
Even more significantly, he demanded I believe in myself again. Through his warmth, I felt myself flowering, after the most painful drought–more like frostbite–I’ve ever experienced. It was at that moment I realized that instead of agonizing right now–if I chose to ride the wave and relax my body until the battering ended–I would eventually find myself swept up on the beach in the sun.
Why Him? Why Now?
Circling back, I could let myself get sucked into that black hole of self psychoanalysis, but it won’t change how I feel and right now, it wouldn’t serve me to do so. The simple truth is, I like the way he makes me feel when I’m with him. He makes me feel comfortable and content, putting me at ease by not demanding anything of me. I haven’t felt that peace in so long and quite frankly, I am resentful that the breeze’s lift of a skirt could make this person inaccessible to me, even as just a friend and/or mentor.
The Man Who Changed Me Without Even Trying
While I started the journey of transformation before I ever met Donald Draper, his presence in my life has been a welcome extra of silk cushioning to add to the cacoon I am constructing for myself. Quite frankly, I do not think he will ever truly comprehend how much he has affected me. And though it might be heartbreaking to keen over unrequited feelings, I confidently assert I will forever adore him for the man I could not think more highly of, even if his tastes are in question for not feeling the same way about me 😉.
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